I have written this story, many times, deleted it, written it again with more fire, deleted it, re-written it for something softer. But none of it sits right when I try to water down the reality of what happened to me. If I’m honest it’s taken me this long because I was so deeply ashamed and embarrassed by what happened.

I trusted someone, someone I should not have even let into my space with a fiery bargepole.

New in the film and tv industry, someone offered me a helping hand at guiding my way through and of course, I took it. I trusted them, they were seemingly charming and kind, generous with their knowledge and guidance, understanding what it was like to be new.

Over a couple of months, they had given me two actual paper copy contracts for jobs (I still have them), jobs which would pay me enough and take enough time that I had to resign on my book cover job. So I did resign, finally taking that leap into my future. I was incredibly excited and nervous. 12 weeks of solid work with two different jobs, this was about £25K worth of work written into these contracts. Also, another job was in the pipeline but nothing was confirmed.

In this industry photographers can be hired by a number of different people and this person claimed to be a production assistant on both jobs, meaning it would make sense to receive a contract from themselves as my first ever job I’d been hired through production. Of course, I was incredibly grateful, excited and just eager to get going on my biggest adventure. I look back and honestly still to this day feel sick thinking about how excited I was, it’s like watching a film you’ve seen already, you know something awful is about to happen but you can’t do anything but watch.

When it came closer to the time of starting the first job, a ten-week production in Bristol. They claimed the production had pulled my accommodation last minute so they weren’t sure what I wanted to do. I managed to pull together some contacts and stated I could still do the job, I was so proud of myself at this last-minute rearrangement, felt so confident that this was my shot and nothing was going to stop me, this is when the first red flag came up for me. They said they had decided without me to pull the contract for me. In some weird ‘white knight’ way, that I shouldn’t have to get accommodation for myself and it was unprofessional of the production to be this way and it wasn’t an industry norm, all the while acting like they’d done me this massive favour and I deserved better. I was quite… upset and very confused when they refused to give me the number of the production head.

I started to ask more questions about the other job, this in itself bothered them, me asking questions. Lot’s of accusations thrown my way and stating I was ungrateful which I didn’t want to be seen as.

I have to point out at this point, at any time I tried to pull away from this relationship they suddenly had to call me about work potentials, my free dates. Always being so excited for me. Being new and not wanting to pass up any work, I obliged in the phone calls, it was always something incredible; Batman, Mission Impossible etc - all films that I now know I wouldn’t have even been in the pool for being part of. But I had no other guide in my life at that time, I had to trust the one person willing to talk to me right? Hell, I’ll be honest, they claimed to have even spoken to David Heyman about work on Fantastic Beasts II and gave me an email address for him… the rest of my story will allude to what came of this of course.

After asking more questions and becoming more and more irate at the lies coming from this person or more avoidance I finally managed to make contact my next job I had a contract with. They helped me find the right person who informed me they had no idea who I was, they had had their unit stills photographer booked for months and no idea why I was contacting them about when I should be starting. My heart dropped and then the anger came, at first in confused flutters and then big angry boiling tidal waves.

I managed to find a number for the 10 week TV show in Bristol, same story. They hadn’t heard of me and had had someone booked for a long time. They were much more apologetic when I explained why I was calling and were very concerned about it too.

This person, this person I had put all my trust into had cost me my job, I had secured my mortgage with those contracts, I had lost everything because of this person lying to me. Lying seems like such a pale word for what it was. Manipulation, cruelty and just insanity don’t cover it.

Anger doesn’t actually even cut how I felt and honestly a year later, still feel. I feel violated. My soul feels poisoned still. How did I not see any of this? How did I let this person near me? How did my skin not crawl when they were near me?

What’s worse? After I completely withdrew from them, actually I didn’t even do that, I asked them to simply give me space, they stepped up and full-blown harassed me within 12 hours of me asking that. On that one single day I had over 150 missed calls, I had to block them across everything until they started emailing me relentlessly too.

When I look back, I should have called the police. Straight away. But I didn’t, truthfully I was absolutely exhausted, hurt and scared. Terrified in fact. I can’t express this properly, but I was scared of being in my own skin, I let this monster into my life, I trusted them, I couldn’t even trust myself in those moments of hiding in the house hoping they didn’t turn up. Eventually moving without telling anyone because I was scared they’d find me, still to this day only a handful of people know where I live and any productions I work on I send everything to my accountants address, just in case.

You’d think that would be the end of it right? Unfortunately not.

I found out they’d done this to another young woman too, whilst they were doing it to me. Fake contracts, abuse and even sexual-based blackmail. This sickened me, I spoke to her and I got into my car, shaking like a leaf. This person was still out there, preying on vulnerable people like I was back when I started.

After an 8 month period, they’d tried to contact me multiple times despite me blocking them across everything I possibly could. New email addresses, through my business pages etc. So I finally contacted the police, I showed them everything. The police officer was incredible, reassuring and told me everything that had happened was definitely worth reporting and told me he’d go round and warn them in person.

This was the bit I had initial trouble with, I didn’t want them to know I’d reported them, but at the same time, what use was just a bit of paper floating about in the filing cabinet without them knowing that someone was taking note of their disgusting behaviour? I had to be the one. If I wasn’t and they eventually sexually attacked someone? The guilt I would feel is unquestionable. So I did it, I knew there might be consequences, I knew making that statement could generate a backlash.

The threats I’d gotten before for not co-operating with them, were powerful enough to scare me at the time; “I’ll make sure you don’t ever work in the industry again” and that kind of threat, constantly. They did, in fact, have family in high up places so this threat wasn’t like their other claims where there was no truth to it. In my eyes, they did and maybe still do have the ability to make sure I don’t work in film and TV again. Should that stop me trying to safeguard other women?

So in light of that, I was willing to risk my dream career for the sake of scaring them into not harassing, bullying or attacking other women in the industry they prey in. Even if it ended with them doing the unthinkable at least I’d done what I could by telling the police and letting them know I’d done so. I hoped a police officer coming to their door and simply saying “We’ve seen all the evidence, you can’t do that, this is a warning, if you do it again we’ll arrest you.” would scare them from doing it to others.

Again, shall I let you assume this is the end of this story? Sorry to say it isn’t.

In this past year, every set I’ve been on I’ve been almost panic attack induced until I see the call sheet to make sure they aren’t on it. I don’t trust anyone, I keep to myself and get anxious about being friendly with anyone on set even though it’s my nature to try and connect with others. I slide away from any social interactions, I don’t eat lunch with the crew, feeling safer in my car.

You’d think a year after the event all of this would have been a bad memory. Something to learn from. But this was 2020, that year was not done giving me a healthy dose of anxiety, PTSD and trauma.

While I wrote that last line in jest, I’m not joking. I have had to have counselling every week since to try and cope with what has happened, I do have PTSD and every time I have to deal with confrontation my body starts physically shaking, I get tachycardia and high blood pressure and I back away from it, quite literally into a corner, away from anyone reaching out to me because simply, I don’t feel safe anymore. It’s not a reaction I would have had before. I am dealing with physical symptoms leftover from what this monster put me through. Even if we go into little details, I overpay my mortgage every month just to somehow prove I can without those contracts I got it through, who am I proving this too?! We have cameras outside the house just in case they turn up, I’m scared of answering any call with an unknown number or even a number my phone doesn’t recognise (my job literally depends on this). The list goes on!

Their name came up again recently, in conjunction with someone checking the reality of a contract they had given them - of course, a red flag because I had proof of two fake contracts they had given me. Luckily at the time, I was on a film set with someone that knew someone else on one of the sets (and we quickly confirmed this was a fake contract and I believe set the motion in order to not have them on set again much to my relief thinking of all the poor women on that set being potentially subjected to them) and I had my own contact with the other contract and they confirmed it was also fake but they were on that set, I’m not sure what happened exactly after that, but the girl they had offered these fake contracts too got a serious threat from them, threatening to sue her.

Within the same hour of her letting me know that I got another email from them with vague threats if I continued to talk ‘badly’ about them in the industry. When in reality I actually only unveiled their lie to this poor girl they were trying to pull one over on. I immediately called the police and they got yet another warning. I was hoping they’d arrest them but it had been too long between incidents, much to my dismay.

I wanted to report them to ‘the industry’ somehow but there’s no governing body for this. I did contact their agent to let them know they were representing a predator and provided my crime number etc but they said nothing short of ‘even if they raped you and you went to court we wouldn’t do much and it’s just hearsay’ which completely knocked me for six and no I’m not joking.

I’m still waiting for potential legal papers to arrive, I’m armed with my own counter of course but I’m still living in this innate fear I will have to face them one day or they’ll find me. If they turned up on a set I was working on and tried to talk to me I’d call the police and let the production know straight away but my main fear is that they are doing this to lots of other young, vulnerable women who are new in the industry trying to find their way.

So ladies and gentlemen reading this, my 2020 shitshow started in late 2019 and still continued throughout the year. I still don’t know what the future holds with that story but my god, it was hard enough becoming a unit stills photographer, let alone my first stepping stone was in fact a crocodiles mouth.

Overall I wish there was a governing body to report dangerous people too within the film industry, there is one for actors but not crew. People like them will continue to get away with thinking they can behave this way. Treat women this way. It’s NOT ok.